But He Looks So Normal!, Sarah Naish

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A Bad Tempered Parenting Guide: But He Looks So Normal! by Sarah Naish

A book review a book for Adoptive Parents and Foster Carers

But He Looks So Normal! begins with a quiz for parents to determine whether they are Perfect, Good or, like the author, Bad Tempered (I was Good Parent, veering heavily towards Bad Tempered Parent – which seems about right!)

In Part 1 of But He Looks So Normal! Sarah Naish then takes us on a journey with her on how to deal with annoying people, for example Competitive Mothers or the Mummy Mafia, Unsolicited Parenting Advice and Patronising Professionals.

In Part 2 she takes us through a chapter on Minimising Drudgery such as Laundry Avoidance, Not Cooking Christmas Dinners, Fun Family Days Out, as well as the never-ending school activities and performances.

Part 3 all about Managing the Arguing Children and how to handle the Mad Lying, Reallocating Money, Food Management and Leaving the Arguing Children. This is my favourite part of the book.

Part 4 is an excuse for Sarah to have a rant in Everything Else Annoys Me Too Now! Part 5 highlights how Holidays Are Not A Rest and Part 6 reassures us that It’s OK In The End (Usually).

Mood Changer

I bought But He Looks So Normal! when I was in a low mood and felt everything I was doing for my adopted child was wrong and would damage him for life. We’d just discovered he’d been hiding old food behind the sofa and I was looking for some practical advice on how to handle this.

From the moment I picked the book up I laughed with recognition. I even cried with relief because someone else had spoken out loud what I was most insecure about. That meant it wasn’t just me feeling this way.

If you often feel like you have the ‘naughty’ kid, or you regularly see parents steer their children away from yours because they’re a bad influence, you will love this book. It will make you feel less of a pariah.

If you’re like me and don’t want to be involved with the endless school activities and performances, and who sends their children to school so you can have respite, this is the book for you.

Real Life Anecdotes

But He Looks So Normal! is peppered with funny and reassuring anecdotes from Sarah Naish’s own experiences with 5 adopted siblings. But within it is a reminder that the parents and carers of adopted/fostered children mustn’t take things too seriously. Yes, there are serious times, such as when the kids are playing truant or stealing, but equally the arguing, the not doing homework, the refusal to do as their told, is all part and parcel of raising children with attachment disorders and we must be kinder to ourselves.

When Naish imagined being a parent she thought of Enid Blyton type days out. But, ‘Instead of spiffing adventures and obedient children playing hide and seek in un-chewed clothes, I found myself thrust into a world with a surround sound audio of Arguing Children playing on a loop. If you are making an Enid Blyton picnic that means you have to go to Tesco’s to buy all the ingredients, with the Arguing Children. This is not a nice start to the picnic. It can only go one way from here.’

‘Childline’ eyes

I regularly see my adopted child giving other adults, especially other women, big sad eyes at how badly treated he is and I can’t help but feel defensive and want to explain the long back story as to why he wasn’t allowed to go to the park or to have a pudding.

It was so freeing to read that this is a common tactic employed by our kids. In no time at all they’re being bought the chocolate they’re not supposed to eat because it hypes them up, or the plastic toy that will be thrown in the corner of their room as soon as it gets home, never to be played with again.

‘…when your child spends all their pocket money in the shop on the way to school and then tells everyone they are hungry (with a sad ‘Childline’ face)…The fact that your child will invariably nip down the chip shop anyway, telling all their friends they have no dinner and pleading starvation, is a given.’

This made me laugh a lot because I see my child doing this regularly. He eats his snack before class then I get a call from the school telling me I’ve forgotten his snack, can I drop one in? No, I can’t, I’m working. He’ll have to wait until lunchtime!!

Essential Reading

This book should be an essential part of every adoptive parent’s or foster carer’s library. It’s one of those books you’ll pull out again and again when you need cheering up and reassuring that you’re doing a good job – or at least a good enough job.

A lot of the parenting books I’ve read are written by professionals and are very earnest. They are full of useful research and information, but always leave me feeling inadequate. But He Looks So Normal! does the opposite. I felt seen and heard.

If you haven’t already, I thoroughly recommend you buy Sarah Naish’s books for children. They help our children see themselves reflected back at them. We’ve read them a lot and come back to them again and again when my child is feeling ‘wobbly’ or anxious, amongst other things.

As soon as I finished this book I bought “Therapeutic Parenting In A Nutshell”, also written by Sarah Naish.

Five Stars from me!

If you are an Adoptive parent looking for support or to find out more about Therapeutic Parenting, contact the National Association of Therapeutic Parents and their Facebook Group.

For more articles about parenting generally read these:

You’ll find more of my book reviews at www.goodreads.com