Interview with memoirist Tasha Hunter

Emma Dhesi  00:00

Tasha Hunter is an Air Force veteran with a master’s degree in Public Administration and social work. She’s a licenced clinical social worker and resides in Goldsboro, North Carolina, with her husband and daughter. She specialises in the treatment of PTSD, depression, anxiety, and stress, and works to eradicate the stigma of mental health by speaking to others at workshops and seminars about trauma and mental health-related topics. Driven and well informed by her personal experience. Her mission is to spread awareness about complex trauma, and to give survivors a safe space to heal. Her practice integrates mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. Today, she talks very openly about the subject matter of her memoir, what children remember. But she also talks to us about how she wrote the story, how long it took her and all the things that she thought about. And in particular editing, she spent a lot of time making sure that she got the right editors for her book, because she wanted to make sure that she had the best product you can possibly put together. So find out and be inspired by Tasha hunter today. Welcome to the turning readers into writers Podcast, where we teach beginner writers how to find the time and the confidence to write their first novel. I’m your host, Emma Dhesi. And I’m very excited that you’re here. Thank you for joining me today. Because if you’ve been longing to write your novel for forever, then this is the place to be. Think of this as your weekly dose of encouragement of hand holding and general cheerleading, as you figure out how you’re going to write your first novel. Trust me, as a mom of three young kids, I know how tricky it can be to tuck some time aside for yourself on a regular basis. And even when you do find that spare five minutes, you can feel so overwhelmed that no rating gets done. Trust me, I have been there. But this podcast is going to help you in practical ways. Because once a week, I’ll be delivering an episode that gives you steps to building a writing routine, encouragement to build your confidence and cheerleading until you reach the end. Okay, let’s start. Well, Tasha, thank you very, very much for joining me today. I’m delighted to have you on the show. 

Tasha Hunter  02:28

Oh, thank you. 

Emma Dhesi  02:29

I wonder if you could just tell us a little bit about yourself, you know, where you work and where you live and what you’re up to. 

Tasha Hunter  02:38

So I am originally from Little Rock, Arkansas. I currently reside in North Carolina. And I’m a licenced clinical social worker, I am in private practice. And my target population, my niche, so to speak, are two areas one is adults who have experienced childhood trauma. And I’m really specific in terms of, you know, working with people that that have childhood trauma, most of my population are what we call caretakers, helpers, medical providers, nurses, teachers, hairdressers, people that are in the helping profession in some way or another. And then women who have experienced infertility, so those are the two groups of people that I mainly work with. 

Emma Dhesi  03:35

Okay, um, know, that kind of leads quite nicely into into your memoir, you know, what children remember? Because I believe that is, well, it’s a memoir, so it’s based on your life story. And, and you also experienced kind of childhood trauma. I wonder if you could tell us a bit about the memoir and what prompted you to share your story? 

Tasha Hunter  03:58

Sure. I believe it was Toni Morrison that said, you know, if there’s a book that hadn’t been read, or that hadn’t been written yet, you know, it’s so to speak, I guess I’m paraphrasing, then you write it and I’ve read a lot of books and I just couldn’t find anything. That that was really honest. Um, especially as it relates to mixing faith, faith in God, you know, spirituality, and trauma and really being able to be honest, and authentic and vulnerable about exactly how the trauma impacted the person without this. Sometimes there’s I think there’s a pressure for people who write memoir to have a happy ending. And to make it seem like it’s all good, you know, I’m okay. And so I wanted to really capture the impact from childhood into adulthood, the impact of childhood trauma, and really explore Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and what that looks like in a six year old and an eight year old and a 10 year old and, you know, basically the entire lifespan, what that looked like, and I hadn’t seen I, you know, again, I read a lot of books, and I want it to write it from my perspective, and also from the perspective of being a black woman, because, you know, from my experience, that’s not something that we really talk about a whole lot. And, and I wanted my story to be told, and, and not just for my story to be told, but my experience isn’t that unique. There’s a lot of adults that go through all kinds of trauma during childhood. And I have lived with the belief that there is that pain can be purposeful. And so I’m not the kind of person that says, oh, everything happens for a reason. I think that’s really ridiculous. You know, to say, Oh, well, you lost your child, everything happens for a reason, or Oh, you were abused, everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe that. But I do believe that everything that we experience in our life, if we want to, we can use it for a greater purpose. And for me, that greater purpose. And the reason I wrote my book, is to say to a young, you know, woman that’s gone through some things similar to myself, you’re not alone. And hey, by the way, you can get through this, you know, you can, you can absolutely heal from this and have a good life, no matter what. Mm hmm.

Emma Dhesi  07:11

Are you happy to tell us a little bit about the story that you’re, you know, what happens in the memoir? 

Tasha Hunter  07:19

Yeah, so and thank you for asking. So, I’m basically I’m gonna, I guess, give you the short of the long is that at I often say that I was born in the wilderness, and my first language was pain. Okay. And the, you know, so so as it relates to childhood, abandonment, childhood neglect, childhood child abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, I experienced it. I was born to a woman who told me she did not want me and wished she would have aborted me. She told me that many times throughout my life and so I grew up very much feeling unloved and being told I wasn’t loved in a number of ways. And so that was that six by eight, I was sexually abused and had had experienced physical abuse. By the age of 10, I started walking to the school bus and praying for God, praying to the heavens, hey, you know, I’m 10 I’ve been experiencing this pain this wilderness for 10 years. Can I come to heaven now? Can you release me from this life, I want to go to heaven, whatever that looks like I want to be there. And just saying to God, I’m done. And I was only 10 years old praying this prayer as I walked to the school bus by 21 I say it to God. Okay, I am done. And I attempt to kill myself. I shot myself and according to the surgeon and the ER Doc’s and nurses at the time, they say it that the doc specifically said to me that the bullet was one inch from my heart. And the bullet was designed to mushroom in. And what happened instead is it didn’t mushroom it didn’t hit my vital organs, as it was designed to do. It got stuck and travelled downward in my body. Wow. So here I am today. Here I am. And at 21 I had not even booked gun to live my life. So, yeah, I didn’t. Yeah, I’m so I’m so thankful that that this thing happened, this fluke happened and, and I’m still here. And so now several This has been 20 years ago that this happened. I’m 41 this year, and being a mental health therapist and working with people who were right at the brink, and they’re thinking, I have no reason to live. Talking to a child that comes from a home where there’s serious neglect, and abuse and saying keep living, keep living, it means a great deal to have been to have experienced that same thing. And to be living proof that you can get through it, does the pain go away? No, it doesn’t go away. But, um, I can still have a good life. And, and if I can learn, because my first language was pain, if I can learn pain, I can also learn purpose. And I can also learn the language of hope. I can also learn the language of love, which is what I needed. Yeah. 

Emma Dhesi  11:32

It’s such a, obviously a very tragic story, but also very uplifting, because here, you are still here, still helping other people. And so in your book, you talk about some very, very challenging subjects. And you have a family now. So how did you negotiate that talk writing and putting out in the public sphere, something so traumatic? And mould? 

Tasha Hunter  11:57

Awesome question, because so with everything that I shared, there were certain aspects of my history that I just didn’t know how people would react. And I imagined that there would be a lot of mumbling, like, Oh, I can’t believe she said that. I can’t believe she sharing this, she should have taken that to her grave. I could imagine the faces of people that would kind of judge me for sharing my turns. But sharing my truth was really a matter of life and death. For me, I didn’t want my story to die with me. And so, me sharing my truth, and encouraging and helping other women. trumped the shame, it trumped the, the fear of judgement, the anxiety over Oh my god, you know, what’s going to happen? My, my family, most of them understood, I had to reach out to some of my family to get, you know, facts regarding my history, because I couldn’t remember everything. And I told them, I’m writing a book, I’m writing a book. And so they didn’t know what that man I don’t come from a family of people that that do things like that. And so, um, I don’t know that they understood it or really felt that I was really serious about it. Um, so, and that’s okay, you know, with the fear, the fear of what are people going to say? How am I going to be judged? I just kept writing. I knew that, that that, that, you know, in the grand scheme of things that they, their opinions wouldn’t really matter, because they’re not really that important. So I don’t know, a nice way to say that. You know, when you because I left home, am I left home at 17? Right? I don’t come from the kind of family where it’s really close knit and we’re out would really need to be concerned with people I think I would still write even if we if it was a close knit family. So I left at 17 I’m estranged from my abusers and anybody that would think negatively of my story I’m a strange from and then when I published my book, oh, there was so much anxiety because I speak about my questioning faith questioning Christianity, which was scary. Questioning I’m just even speaking about my suicide, which a lot of people didn’t know and I also talked about my sexuality. And so those were the things that that I was like, oh, what are people going to say? What are they going? And it’s since then it’s I’ve gotten support from the places where I knew I would get support from. And then I’ve gotten a lot of positive from family that said, Wow, you really hit the nail on the head, while you put this is beautiful. And, and so even for them, it’s been some healing that that that took place in their own lives from just reading my story and being able to to verbalise the things that that that I experienced, which is some of what other family members also experienced in some way or another.  Yeah, I think that is why memoir is so so important is, mean, there’s a good example from you, in one family, many members of the family are going through something and they don’t know the others are. And when we feel so, so alone, and we see somebody else’s experience in black and white, then we begin to realise, oh, it’s not just me, I’m not mad. I’m not bad. I don’t deserve this. It’s so so empowering. I love memoirs, especially when, you know, there is not necessarily a message or a sort of moral at the end of it. But it does just give people hope.

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Emma Dhesi  16:29

And I’m absolutely sure your story does that for many of the people that you work with. And because the subject matter is so very challenging. I’m wondering if there was there were aspects of your life story that although they were perhaps a big part of your story, you found either they’re too sensitive to write about, or that they didn’t fit with the narrative of the story that you were telling? 

Tasha Hunter  16:58

Yes, absolutely. When I first started writing, I didn’t know that if it would be a full memoir, I consider myself to be kind of a rebel. So I didn’t want to follow the rules, the writing rules, so to speak, or the industry standard. And I wanted to put some, some meditations in there, I wanted to add some poetry. And, um, and then there were other parts of my story where I shared about the abuse, but sometimes it was like, okay, we can cut that off here, we don’t need to know every single instance of abuse. Or there were things about certain family members that in the earlier versions of my writing, I shared and then later redacted. All of that took all of that out. Because it wasn’t my story to tell it wasn’t. They weren’t my experiences, right. And so, you know, I, I kind of questioned what, what’s the purpose of adding this good editors will help you do that as well. And so I had really excellent editors that helped me to figure out what to, to keep and what to take away. When I speak. I’m sometimes redundant. And so again, a good editor said, Oh, you said this several times. Take this out. But yes, there were several parts of my story that that ended up not being in there mainly regarding the abuse, because how much can one person handle, you know, reading? Um, because it’s a lot. It’s a lot. And so, for my first and only book, I don’t know if I’ll write another one. You know, we’ll see. It’s a hefty memoir. It’s over 300. It’s like 340 pages. Okay. So I had to take a lot out. 

Emma Dhesi  19:04

But I imagine that first draft writing that first draft over and just spilling your soul light onto the paper, I imagine that was very therapeutic just in itself, even if later down the road, you had to take notes. 

Tasha Hunter  19:18

It was so therapeutic. years ago, I used to blog. So I have this blog that I would I would kind of write on and it was anonymous. I didn’t tell anyone. I had some followers and I just kept it to myself. And I’ve always been a person that journaled so I have lots and lots of books that I journaled my thoughts in. And in 2016 I decided I’m going to just write this book, I’m going to write it so I went back to my blog I went back to my journals and you know just kind of look to see what’s what’s there. And what can you hold on? Let me make sure I answer that question. What did you ask me again? I don’t want to lose. I’ve always been a person that when I used to have my blog, I remember writing a post and a journal entry. And I wrote whenever I, when I’m not speaking, I feel like a stuffed pig. With the apple in the mouth, you know, really bound stuffed with all kinds of goodies that I just can’t get out. Right. And, and so it’s important for me to speak, it’s important for me to write, I’ve been doing this keeping a diary kind of a thing since I was a little girl. So it is extremely therapeutic. That entire again, just like you said, even the stuff that didn’t really make the cut, you know, at the final product, it was really therapeutic for me to just write it down. And then the additional validation of having the editors I utilised for my book, five different editors. And to have them more specifically two out of Yeah, two out of the five to really validate my experience, even in them, just editing my work. Just being able to read it and say, Wow, you’re so strong. I can’t believe you live through that. These are my editors, and for them to even validate my story. It was all very therapeutic. 

Emma Dhesi  21:52

I am just curious, because from what you said earlier, did I understand correctly that your family is not a family of readers? 

Tasha Hunter  22:05

I don’t come from a family of readers, no, I read a lot growing up. But in the toxic and abusive home that I grew up in. Books weren’t that big of a deal. 

Emma Dhesi  22:23

Because that’s what your passion, first of all your passion for reading as a child, but then also finding that that tool of journaling. How do you think you found that? 

Tasha Hunter  22:35

Oh my goodness, I had an aunt that her name was Faye, and she introduced me to Dr. Maya Angelou. Why caged? Why? You Know Why the Caged Bird sing? And she introduced me to poetry, Langston Hughes, Dr. Maya Angelou, Nikki Giovanni, Sonia Sanchez, E. Cummings. Emily, I think Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson there’s so many I could go on and on the real mix is a huge mix. And she so she introduced me to poetry and to, to just this way that people poetry is just really honest, in and of itself anyways. And that’s what I believe in. And it’s just a different way of getting your thoughts out. And, and it was during that time when I when I couldn’t speak to my the people that were closest to me. I would write and I would write poetry. That was my outlet. And I didn’t again, I didn’t announce it. I didn’t tell anyone. This is what I do. I just, it’s the only thing that I had, um, as a way to get things out of me and kind of paper it was really therapeutic at a young age. 

Emma Dhesi  24:04

Your aunt must have recognised you needed it. 

Tasha Hunter  24:08

She did and then I had another art debt. Her name is Renee and Renee she said I was in high school. And she said you should write a book. And and she said and when you write it make sure that you copyright it so no one steals your stuff. And I’m like, What? What are you talking about? And so, um, I didn’t take it seriously at all. I just was like, I can’t write a book. I don’t know anything about writing a book. Well, lo and behold, look at me now. All right. 

Emma Dhesi  24:51

Well, now talking about writing books. I want to I want to get practical with you know, we’re you have a very full on job you work with A lot of people who need you, you have a busy life. So how did you manage your time so that you could make space for the writing in your life? 

Tasha Hunter  25:08

So what I did is, I kept a journal in my purse, in my car everywhere. And I made time, every day, every moment, because inspiration would come to me while walking inspiration would come while driving inspiration would come while reading another book or watching a movie. And so I made a promise to myself that when inspiration arrived, I would write it down. Whatever would come to mind, I would write it down. And that is what worked for, for me. And just making time, every day, whether it’s first thing in the morning at four in the morning, or making time at night at 8pm. You know, once the house is settled down and dinners cooked and everybody else in my home is taken care of making time and I was really quite religious about doing that just I needed that structure. Because without structure, I’m not going to get anything done. So I stuck with it. And I just again, I made a promise to myself that when inspiration arrived, so that I wouldn’t lose the thought or lose whatever I would if I’m walking if I’m you know, taking a jog or something, I would record myself speaking about the thing that I want to write about. Excellent. And so yeah, I just I stuck with it. And I knew because you know anybody that’s a creative, you just never know when inspiration is gonna come for me. It’s, it could be two in the morning. Yeah, and I vowed I imagined. Here’s the other thing. And I would imagine speaking to Oprah, which I have a whole chapter in my book dedicated to my love of Oprah. And she journaled a lot throughout her life. And so I have that similar thing. And so I would say, I’m going to be like Oprah, Oprah didn’t sleep a lot. She would talk about waking up in the wee hours of the morning and getting to work or writing or meditating. And I would do the exact same thing, because I wanted to make sure that I captured it all again, even if it didn’t make the final cut. At least I got it down somewhere. Maybe it’ll be useful later on. You never know. 

Emma Dhesi  27:47

So it sounds then that you didn’t write the memoir linearly that you wrote it sort of as in when a subject or an idea hit you. And then you pieced it together at the end.  And you said you had five editors? Wow. So how did you find your editors? 

Tasha Hunter  28:07

So, um, I had a list of maybe 50 people that I found in various Facebook groups. There were several editors that I followed on Twitter, on Instagram. And then I had editors that I found on YouTube and on Upwork. And so not that I researched all 50 because I didn’t. I didn’t, um, let’s see. One came from a Facebook group of writers and just people that are editors. And then I think the rest of them came from Upwork To be honest, yeah, well, one came from Facebook, one came from Twitter. And then and then the other three came from Upwork. And so yeah, that’s how I wanted, you know, five different women, five different perspectives. They had to be women, though. And, and I told myself, I’m good at two, I tell myself lots of things, by the way. And I said, Okay, I buy a lot of books on Amazon and from Target and I want my book as professional as any book that I pay for. Mm hmm. Yeah. Whatever I have to do to make sure that when somebody is reading it, they’re not like, Oh, my God, I know she’s self-published, wolf. It’s okay. Yeah. Ah, I wanted it to be just as professional as the people that I look up to. Even though I don’t have their money, and I’m not on the New York Times bestsellers list and all of that I wanted a professional book. So I would do that all over again. And even more if I if I had to.

Emma Dhesi  30:16

So I’m curious as well, the editors that you found, did you know that they edited memoir specifically? 

Tasha Hunter  30:25

That’s one question that I had, yes, when I, because many editors, you know specialise in sci-fi or romance or you know, different areas. And I wanted an editor that specifically listed memoir, in their profile, or in their, on their website that they had experience with memoir. And so yeah, that was really important. Also look for editors, it was really important that they, I’m a communicator. So if communication isn’t on the top of that editors list, and then that’s not going to work for me, I needed editors that that wouldn’t mind a 20 minute, you know, weekly or biweekly phone call to kind of talk about the feedback or, you know, I needed to hear their voice. Yeah. Or to see in their writing that they could communicate really well with me regarding, you know, how they’re doing, you know, with writing things up, or if I had questions, that communication was really, really important. And I had to amazing two out of the five that were phenomenal at giving 

Emma Dhesi  31:48

right, it’s nice when you find someone that you click with and who you you realise gets you and what you’re trying to say? 

Tasha Hunter  31:55

Yes, it was, it was really I, you know, I’m handing you over my life, my legacy of work, that’s really important. And I would always feel kind of naked every time I handed it over to someone. So it was really important to have to have two out of the five that understood that level of vulnerability for me, given the topics that I discussed. Yeah. And they honoured my request to every so often every week or every Blue Moon. Let’s can we can we talk on the phone? Can we have a conversation about what you have written up? And how do I proceed based off of your feedback? Yeah, um, those 20 and 30 minute phone calls? It just that it did it for me. I needed that. And not everybody needs that. But I needed that 

Emma Dhesi  32:55

relationship building, isn’t it? 

Tasha Hunter  32:57

Absolutely. 

Emma Dhesi  32:59

How long do you think that it took you to write your memoir, say from when you first started making your news through to publication day, 

Tasha Hunter  33:06

It took me four years. It several different changes in the book title. Every now and then I would kind of give up and I would say, oh, nobody wants to hear my story. We’ve had enough of these stories about abuse. We’ve had enough sob stories, not going to write another book, you know, who’s going to want to read this. And I gave up several times. And even right before when it was all done, I was with the last editor who proofread my book. I said, I’m not publishing this, I’m not gonna do it. And, and then I thought, I’m gonna do it. Do it. So it took four years. 

Emma Dhesi  33:59

And so I’m glad you did stick with it. And what advice would you have for others who are perhaps in a similar situation to you where that you were in four years ago? And are not sure if they should do it? Or and how would you suggest they start? 

Tasha Hunter  34:14

Mm hmm. I would say to anybody out there listening in, they’re wondering, you know, they’re wanting to write the book, and they’re just not sure I would say, stick with it. Someone gave an analogy. I don’t remember where I saw it somewhere on social media. And they said, you know, whenever you think about the fact that you know, do I have a story to tell, go to the grocery store and look at the aisle that has all of the different waters. And every manufacturer that has bottled water and everything’s Oh, well someone else has bottled water, I’m not going to make bottled water. And so we have all of these options as it relates to water. And so when I thought about that, I said you know what, I’m gonna To write my book because no one has has lived in, nobody has walked in my shoes. No one has written a book in the way that I am going to write it and telling the story in the way that I am telling it. And so I would say write your book, we need your specific story. And there’s someone that’s going to read your book, whatever genre it is. And they’re going to be so glad you wrote it. So write it and make time whether that’s once a day, as inspiration sparks the way that I did. or once a week, once a month, have a schedule, and stick to it, whatever you do, stick to it. And before you know it, you will have accomplished the goals that you have set for yourself. 

Emma Dhesi  35:49

I’m a big believer in setting setting those schedules. And otherwise, it doesn’t happen. 

Tasha Hunter  35:57

Absolutely. 

Emma Dhesi  35:58

So Tasha, thank you so, so much for your time today. I really appreciate it. Before we go, can you let listeners know where they can find your book. 

Tasha Hunter  36:06

So for anyone that is listening, my memoir is titled what children remember. And it is available on Amazon. It is available in hardcopy, paperback, and ebook. And, you know, the E-book is available anywhere, that’s where you get your ebook. So you can buy that anywhere, but the paperback and the hardcover is available on Amazon. It’s what children remember by Tasha Hunter. 

Emma Dhesi  36:37

Fantastic, I should put a link to that in the show notes. That’s wonderful. Well, that’s great. Thanks so much. Enjoy the rest of your day. 

Tasha Hunter  36:45

Thank you. 

Emma Dhesi  36:49

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Emma Dhesi

Emma writes women’s fiction. She began writing seriously while a stay at home mum with 3 pre-school children.

By changing her mindset, being consistent and developing confidence, Emma has gone from having a collection of handwritten notes to a fully written, edited and published novel.

Having experienced first-hand how writing changes lives, Emma now helps beginner writers find the time and confidence to write their first novel.

She is a certified Author Accelerator Book Coach