Comparing Yourself To Others

by emmadhesi | confidence, depression, mental health, negative thoughts, parenting

Is This You?

Do you compare yourself to others? I had postnatal depression for nearly three years and was continually doing it. It was a disease – comparisonitis!

Looking around my circle of friends, I could see how much they were enjoying motherhood. They had smooth rhythms to their days and weeks. They enjoyed spending time with their children at home or on the beach or in restaurants. At children’s birthday parties, I watched these smiling and happy people with confusion and envy.

Why aren’t they finding this hard? I’d wonder. Don’t they resent the intrusion of their children as much as I do? It seemed not. Toddler and pre-school meltdowns didn’t perturb my friends, whereas I was horribly self-conscious. When my daughter dug in her heels and began a full on tantrum, I was mortified and felt completely out of control. I didn’t know how to manage her but couldn’t admit so to my friends. I had no idea what I was doing.

My friends were doctors, lecturers, business owners and entrepreneurs. I love these inspiring and intelligent who were grabbing the best of life. I should have basked in the fact they wanted to be my friend, instead, I couldn’t help comparing myself to th em. I was intimidated by their awesomeness, their confidence, and zest for life.

Prior to motherhood, that had been me, too. I had been confident, sure of my own abilities and opinions. I had never been a fearful person until I became a parent. After that point, I started to doubt myself every step of the way. Month by month and year by year my confidence deteriorated so by the time my second child was born I was ripe for developing postnatal depression.

Perhaps this is you?

What I’ve learnt, and can reassure you about, is that with time, your hormones will settle down and your depression will start to lift. It takes time to recover from the years of exhaustion, physiological and psychological changes that occur with motherhood. You have the skills and knowledge needed to be a good and capable mother. It’s just that you’ve temporarily forgotten. Just as I did.

This amnesia is short term and will dissipate with time and with help. The trick is to keep going and get through each day, miserable as they may be, until eventually you see a light at the end of the tunnel and emerge into the sunshine.

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How Do You Cope With Stress?

by emmadhesi | mental health, stress

How do you cope with stress?

In the book I’m editing at the moment I’ve noticed my main character, Nicola, needs a way to cope with her stress and feeling out of control.

At one point in the story she’s in Shetland and what she discovers is that the biting winds of the archipelago help to sweep away her doubts and the negative things life throws at her. The more battered she is by the weather, the better she feels!

I wish I could find my release that way, out there in the elements. My way of dealing with life’s battles is to hide from them, at least for a while, and I primarily do that by delving into a book and taking on the protagonist’s life.

Using Fictional Role Models to Cope with Stress

I’m unconsciously inspired by the strength of the book’s main character. I think it not only gives me a bit of distance from my own woes, but bolsters my inner resolve; if they can do it, I can do it.

Now you might think, don’t be daft, that’s a story and not real life. Get a grip woman! But for me fiction has never simply been fiction. It’s been a way of viewing the world from someone else’s point of view. It’s an opportunity to experience how others live and how they approach the world around them.

Just because the character doesn’t exist in the real world, doesn’t mean their story isn’t universal.

For example, Jane Austen’s Emma is renowned for being a know-it-all and who gets carried away by her own desires and wants, regardless of who it might impact. Unfortunately, I too have been like that in my life and I took comfort from the fact that although she was spoilt and unthinking at times, she wasn’t a bad person and was, in fact, quite loveable.

I hoped that bode well for me!

Finding Your Personal Escape: How Do You Cope with Stress?

Anne Shirley of Green Gables fame was hot-headed and stubborn, but it didn’t mean she wouldn’t bend and compromise with those she loved and respected. She was flighty and day-dreamed far too much, but it didn’t preclude her from being focused, working hard and achieving her dream to be a teacher. Again that was something to which I could aspire.

It was particularly important for me as a teenager to find these role models, and I think that has stayed with me into adulthood. Fiction gives me my release from the stresses of day-to-day life, but for my character Nicola it’s the wild winds of Scotland.

Where do you find your release? Are you like me and have to hide away for a time, or do you like to be out there in the elements?

If you’re a beginner writer and need help getting started, I invite you to sign up for my video series, 21 Days of Writing Inspiration? It provides daily motivation to get you unstuck so you can build momentum with your writing.